February 4, 2013
A Semi-Formal Essay about Nothing in Particular
Sometimes it is necessary to read an essay, just to say that you are doing something with yourself. There is a saying, “Life is short” but in reality, it is long. Most people live about 75 years, and unless you are immortal, that is a pretty long time. There will be days when you are very bored—so bored, in fact, that you may be contemplating killing yourself. So, this essay is to give you something to do, and while doing so it may be preventing the potential risk of suicide.
This is the second paragraph, ladies and gentlemen. The introduction was filled with rather boring content, so perhaps it would be wise to write about something interesting here. Did you know that women blink twice as much as men? How about that black cats are bad luck in the United States but good luck in Japan? Or that it is more likely to be struck by lightning than to be attacked by a shark? Wait, you knew those facts?! Well, I bet you did not know that right now my dog is licking the handle to a drawer for no particular reason. You did not know that one. You are not psychic like me. Yes, I am psychic. For instance, I can guess that you are on Planet Earth right now, reading an essay. And that the planet you are on is orbiting a star of average size in the Milky Way galaxy. Also, you are either, 1) a girl or 2) a boy. I’m pretty good, aren’t I?
This marks the very beginning of the third paragraph. It is time for an interview. The first question is this: why in the world are you wasting your precious time reading this completely useless and unhelpful essay? There is a lesson to be learned from this experience: never assume an essay is interesting simply because it is formal and MLA and written by an awesome person (me). Just think about it—right now, you could be doing so many amazing, wonderfully exciting things. You could be skydiving, horseback riding, rock climbing, or reading a book. Yes, reading a book counts as amazing, wonderful, and exciting. While we are on the subject of books, I might as well mention that The Giver is my favorite book of all time.
I also want to recommend a couple movies: Rango and The Hobbit are good ones. But enough about movies and books. This essay was supposed to be a time-consumer, and nothing more than that. It was supposed to go absolutely nowhere. We are onto the fourth paragraph, did anybody notice that? Hey, we forgot about the interview! Mind if I ask some deep, embarrassing, personal questions? Okay, I will take your silence as a definite yes, and here is the question: do you feel like you have made a major difference in the world? Or even any difference at all? Do you think the world would notice if you disappeared? What is the most humiliating thing that happened to you when someone was watching? What about when no one was watching? Do you enjoy watching children’s movies? Do you like the color blue?
Well, I hope you enjoyed this essay. I hope it was satisfying to be doing something besides sitting around picking your nose. And I really hope that is not what you were doing before you touched this essay. If so, please calmly hand the paper back to me and we can continue with our lives. Actually, you can hand the paper back right now anyway, because the essay is about to end. It is ending right now. Goodbye.